.....just makes me want to crawl into a corner and hide, though the real world does not let you do so.
I have always giggled (not maliciously of course) when I've received emails or invitations from friends and other family members who "blog". Never thinking I, myself, would be a blogger - I would bookmark said blogs and follow each in efforts to keep up with those close to me. Recently, as I follow blogs of people I don't know and may not ever meet I find myself putting my feet in the shoes of some fellow bloggers. One in particular makes me ache inside and wish I could reach out into the real world and offer my physical support, care and shoulder for her tears. There is a link to her blog ("Praying for April Rose") on the right hand side of my blog should you find yourself interested in reading up on 'B' and her unborn April Rose. That being said, tonight as I navigated my way to her site looking for an update, I found myself immersed in her writings about her feelings regarding her unborn baby girl and her thoughts/feelings and perspective about the Lord. I found myself thinking of several things while I read through her most recent post from today. One of those being how when I think things are at the worst they could be for me and mine - compared to someone else, it is truly not so bad. 'B', is currently being told she may never have the chance EVERY mother should have - holding her newborn child for the first time post leaving the womb. Her daughter faces many challenges with her health both inside the womb and outside should the Lord allow her the chance to live on Earth. While I feel as though things in my world are at their worst, I know my life and our circumstances could be much worse. I ache inside for 'B'. While I've never been faced with the same trials and testing of my faith, many of you know I went through something along the same lines. I have my own angel baby in heaven that the Lord chose to bring home to him. That being the case, it brings up the second thing I found myself mulling over while I read through 'B's blog tonight. She speaks of praying for a miracle and how that is somewhat vague in terms of what "her" miracle (s) are. She broke things down into what she believes she wants for both her and April Rose. And as I read through her testament, I found myself questioning those things I pray for. I pray for different things each night and I have a set (as I like to call them) of prayers that are a constant each day/night that I speak to Him about. I found myself wondering if the things that I ask/request/pray for are also too vague. I have asked for my own miracles and even then most likely didn't put my faith/heart into those prayers as I'm not even sure I believe in the theory of miracles or maybe that my requests are far more than a miracle. As I have spent the last 9-12mths of my life trying to figure out my relationship with Him, I've come to realize that during that time I've never really fully given myself to Him. I know He can see into my heart and knows who I truly am inside. But it hit me tonight just like that "ton of bricks" cliche' everyone says.....that I still feel lost at times when it comes to my relationship with Him because I've never given myself to Him, wholeheartedly and %100. I believe I've told myself that I thought I had, but deep down I never did. I put up a facade and apparently a convincing one at that because I managed to pull the wool over my own eyes, lol.
Most of you who know me, know I didn't grow up in a super religious family. My grandmother, who recently passed away suddenly, was a very religious person. We would go to church on the Sundays we "happened" to be with her and on all major holidays. But that was basically all the religion I was exposed to as a child. That being the case, I have ALWAYS believed in Him - but never truly pushed myself to form a relationship with Him outside of the forced trips to church I attended with my parents. And now as I grow older and gain wisdom, I find myself searching for that special relationship with him that I never had growing up. I guess another cliche' comes to mind with regard to that; Better late than never. Anyways, long rambling short - I've worked on my own and have begun to form my relationship with the Lord and by way of reading 'B's blog, I think I have found the way to my own personal relationship with Him. So, B, should you ever read through my ramblings here, please know that I thank you. Your willingness to share your life and beliefs have helped to point me in the direction that I have needed to make my way into the relationship with Him that I have known I needed......
Whew....that was alot and it took me forever to type all this out, lol. I think the above post is the most I've ever written about my thoughts regarding church and religion. I believe that I'm still the same person I've always been and will continue to be - my heart and soul, however, are going through some changes - a make over of sorts - and I think that this new found relationship will only better my growth as a person/adult. So to those who have read this far, thank you. Tonights post was brought on by a multitude of different stressors that I am faced with, many that can be fixed only by myself and my own choices - but it truly took my reading through anothers trials to see some things that were likely sitting right in front of me the whole time.
So I will end my long winded post by saying that I am very grateful for my family, my husband, all my friends, the things I have been provided with each day and for Him. For His ways, His reasons and for the stregnth He helps to give me each day.
Good night all. I hope you all have a wonderful weekend.
xoxoxo
The Nye5
